Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
