and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
