just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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