My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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