sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
