I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
