Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
