Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize