I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
