I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
