you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
