Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
