look no pants
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
