How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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