1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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