god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
