My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
