WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
