Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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