ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
