your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
