i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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