apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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