He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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