I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
