There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
