she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
