Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize