Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize