Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
