there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
