Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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