I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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