As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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