Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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