First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
