just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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