why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
