someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
