I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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