you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
