thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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