i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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