i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
