Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
