sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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