Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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