just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Yo dont text me then not text me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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