pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
