Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
