You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
