My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize