i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
