Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
