I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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