Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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