I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
