Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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