I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
